Release Details

LABEL Cruz Del Sur Music
RELEASED ON 5/5/2015
GENRES Power


Hammer King

Kingdom of the Hammer King

posted on 4/2015   By: Michael Wuensch

Once upon a time, hundreds of thousands of years ago in the 80s, Hell and heavy metal announced an exceedingly prosperous union with the hammer. It was a risky move, really, as the hammer had long-since distanced itself from a portrayal as a preferred weapon and settled into a more modern role as a tool for handy things such as barn raising, drywall destruction, and a solution to your sweet ol' mee-maw's yapping about them squeaky porch steps. But thanks to pioneering outfits such as Hellhammer, a new trail was blazed that offered an apparent connection between the need to pound both nails and angel faces. Thank you, Tom G.

Since then, we've had Demolition Hammers, Hammer Witches, Witch's Hammers, Lucifer's Hammers, falling Hammers, Master's Hammers, Thors & Thorrs of Hammers, Hordes of Hammers, pinches of sweet Nuclear-doused hammers, and just about any and every kind of hammer to be found in between. Hammers, hammers, hammers. More hammers than Hammer Time at an M.C. Hammer convention in Lillehammer.

But for those who haven't quite had their fill—for the special warriors who dream of getting hammered with hammer-toed hammers riding atop hammerhead sharks above a sea of shiny, golden unhammered nails just begging to be hammered—Germany's Hammer King swings in to save the day with the insanely aptly titled Kingdom of the Hammer King.

Just how many hammers are we talking here? More swingin' hammers than a pantless Hammer Bros family reunion. More hammers than Charlie Sheen hammering a hundred hoes in the Hammerstein Ballroom while snorting ten pounds of Arm & Hammer off Alan Spencer's sledge hammer. A regal... Nay, a kingly amount of hammers. Hammer King's Kingdom of the Hammer King mentions the phrase "hammer king" thirty five times in 49 minutes. That's one "hammer king" every 84 seconds.

Stacked, for perspective's sake:

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

Hammer King

What's even more grievous, however, is the fact that the first TWENTY ONE "hammer king" utterances occur in the five-and-a-half minutes that make up the opening title track. I believe Hammer King might cram some pretty powerful Manowar-styled power metal between those prodigious "hammer kings," but every time you attempt to focus on a riff or a lead, vocalist Titan Fox (also of Ross the Boss) jumps right into your grill to remind everyone that you've by God landed in the ideal spot if you happen to have any unfulfilled hammer needs.

The pace picks up a bit for track two, "I am the King," but I'm not really sure how necessary it is to spotlight your kingliness when you've just spent the last five+ minutes pounding the living shit out of the fact that we're all bloody-well wandering in the kingdom of the Hammer King. Regardless, this energetic little number reminds us of that sobering fact about ten times within its scant 3:30. You are the king who resides in the kingdom of the Hammer King. Got it.

"Aderlass; the Blood of Sacrifice" is next, and it's the best tune on the record. Not simply because there's no mention of kings or hammers, but because it's actually quite a catchy tune that could comfortably reside within a record like Fighting the World. Unfortunately, the "Chancellor of Glory" quickly blows into the party directly following and turds the punchbowl with his portents of "listen to the king" over and over and over again, because apparently the king still thinks there's a teensy chance that we've not yet fully grasped the notion that we should be paying attention when he's gabbling on and on about the shining glory of hammers Hammers HAMMERS.

OH GOD SONG FIVE IS ACTUALLY CALLED "I AM THE HAMMER KING." Wrap your brain around that little pearl.

"Blood Angels," "Visions of a Healed World" and "Figure in the Black" might have some nice noodling power metal, but by now the listener is so paranoid about being beaten over the head by more glorious hammer saluting that you could easily be listening to 13-minutes of knights sharting in their armor and be none the wiser.

Well, by now your clear lack of hammer enthusiasm has landed you in the Hammer King's dungeons, located deep within the bowels of the kingdom of the Hammer King. Clearly a huge win, as there are no windows here to provide a clear view of all those flags emblazoned with blazing hammers, and those cold stone walls make it exceedingly difficult to make out the king bellowing praises about the latest issue of Hammers & Hammers. Now it's just you, the dank darkness, a row of impenetrable iron bars, and a scattering of rats. Big, greasy rats hammering out the two closing tunes on Kingdom of the Hammer King: "We are the Hammer" (why the Hell not), and "Glory to the Hammer King" (of fucking course). These two numbers nail down fourteen more "hammers" and six more "kings" amidst a couple more nice leads. Kill me now. I have a right to demand my own death. Do it with hammers, I don't even care anymore.

For those left standing, the LP version will feature a bonus track entitled, get this, "Leather Indians (of Steel)." You can't make this stuff up, folks. And really, that hammers down about as suitable a period on the end of this story as you could possibly get.

Possibly the greatest album ever recorded, but I've just taken approximately 3,243,546,765 hammer blows to the head, so best check it out yourself.