While it’s possible to let us know how much you can bench press by commenting on this here review, Last Rites as a collective is pretty sure that it ain’t enough to wield a sword that weighs an entire megaton. First of all, a megaton is equivalent to a million frickin’ pounds of TNT. That is enough TNT to obliterate all of Florida and parts of Alabama (probably). It’s enough power for a tiny hydrogen bomb that North Korea probably wants to drop on Japan. It could probably wipe out an area just a bit smaller than that caused by the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster of 2011. The Fukushima Daiichi Power Plant located in Ōkuma, in case you didn’t know and you’re one of those people that saw Chernobyl and thought was scary, remains an exposed reactor core to this day spraying megatons of radiation up into the atmosphere! Fun!
Don’t worry, friends, the Niralet will not melt your face, spray radiation into the atmosphere or bomb neighboring nations. What Niralet will do is help prepare your soul for the eternal battle between good and evil. These leather clad Swiss sword swingers battle demons both big and small with their double-edged riffs, spiked gauntlets and keen, razor-sharp vocals. Since everyone these days is terrifically self-centered, you’re asking what’s the benefit for you? Well, the first benefit is that you’re going to have a killer EP added to your collection. The second benefit is that you’ll stop looking like such a weakling in your daily musings. Third, finally and most importantly, you will learn to rock harder than you’ve ever rocked before. Finding the strength to squeeze your fists more tightly until they slake white with blood loss; shake and pump those arms faster, more precisely and more threateningly than you were previously able.
And he’s not the only one. Hop or canter or skip straight to the middle of this EP (which is maybe slightly too long for an EP, but whatever) and you’ll find a band trouncing along lockstep between straightforward pacing and a halting chorus of battle-crazed enthusiasm. It’s also there that you’ll find “Born Beneath the Sword,” which is where things lean a bit into the theatrical, if only for a moment. Elsewhere, like on the, ahem, opening track (more about that in a second), the band opens softly: picture the sun cresting over a perfectly groomed field, enemy spread breast-to-breast as far as the eye can see. As your heart rate increases, Megaton Sword begins to break their mashed potatoes riffs—crispy on the outside, skin on and loaded with butter. Heads bobble and roll before being hacked off with a single sword stroke. Their galloping rhythms shake the field as carefully spat vocals take to the air creating a chorus of cackles aimed at infection of the musical soul (which is easily achieved).
Look, it has to be discussed: “Vulva of the Nightfall” is an incredibly awkward name for a song. It’s somehow less awkward when sung in a broken-up line. Perhaps it’s the sheer vocal talent and control of Uzzy Unchained (so fun to type) that makes it feel less, well, what it is.
If you’re in the mood for some traditional-influenced “retro” (if you insist) metal then Megaton Sword should reside on the top of your list. Whether you’re a bed-ridden infirm or a beer-chugging intimidation enthusiast astride a murdered-out Harley Davidson Dyna Wide Glide, the troops of Megaton Sword (to reiterate their actual, literal given birth names: Unchained, The Axe, The Sorcerer and Thundersteel) will inspire you to kick ass in all the ways that you are capable. And let’s face it: your year has been shitty, your character has been suspect and your commitment to the cause of eternal battle has been middling at best. Step up your game with Megaton Sword and learn to drop riff-bombs all over the battlefield as your smite your enemies.
