The year is 2069. The Earth is in shambles following a series of events including (but not limited to): nuclear armageddon, climate change, the scarcity of water, and, of course, the Cryptocurrency War Of 2042. Those who have hunkered down into shelters dare not risk the outside world, yet as supplies were running low, you drew the short straw in your commune and set out on a scouting mission to find water and medical supplies.
It was just outside of Cleveland where you found yourself surrounded by a horde of irradiated zombie Death Metal Bros: their tattered, bloodied four-sided long sleeves flapping in the harsh dry winds of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, their Pit Vipers permanently fused to their stank-riff faces from prolonged radiation exposure. You attempt to flee, but as you turn to run, you fall flat on your face, tasting the bitter ash and sands of destruction. You turn around on your back, horrified as the zombies draw in. There’s no getting out of this one. “BRAAAAAINS,” one utters through a torn asophygus. “BRAAAAAINS,” another agrees. “BRAAAAAINS SLAAAAAP BROOOO,” a third concurs. You squeeze your eyes shut as the horde closes in, waiting for the end to come.
At the last second, the sound of a supercharged HEMI V8 pulls you out of what you had already decided would be your final breath. Your eyes snap open, just in time to see the zombie husks go flying to the left. Where they once stood is a beautifully restored 2021 Dodge Challenger SRT® Hellcat, dressed in black murder from fender to fender. A gas masked individual leans out of the window with the biggest fucking scythe you’ve ever seen and proceeds to use it to unceremoniously slide a wet corpse off the hood. As the bloodied corpse hits the sand with a wet “thwack,” the driver’s head twitches in the universal sign for “get in.” Not knowing what else to do, you oblige. Hopping in, the first thing you notice is the insane amount of automatic weaponry, homemade explosive devices, and Flying V guitars in the back. The second thing you notice is that there are no seatbelts. The gas masked individual pops a tape into the receiver labeled “Orphicvs – El Tetraputas,” and slams on the gas like he’s trying to stomp a hole through the floorboard.
“Fuck yeah!” you can’t help but cry out, adrenaline fully taking over. A scorching guitar lick hits like a violent gust of the extreme wasteland weather in the tailwind, adding an extra boost to the already supercharged HEMI V8. The madness of the driver is infectious–the mania takes hold. “6! 6! 6!” Opicvs cries out. “Goat POOOOOWEERRRRR” he howls, hitting a blood-curdling falsetto into the bridge. By the time the first song ends, you’ve already forgotten about the whole seatbelt thing.
The title track keeps the momentum going, though the supercharged HEMI V8 engine is beginning to settle into gear. “El Tetraputas” is a bit more rocking’, and the Venom-by-way-of-Power-From-Hell production values continue to whip up a dusty trail of raw grit. The drums hit a groove beneath the razor-gargling falsetto wails while the rhythm hits a bit more on the “roll” side of black’n’roll. It’s but a teaser for the full-driving mid-temp of “Evil Begets Evil,” which draws heavily from AC/DC, or, in a more explicitly metal context, the likes of Accept or Trust. The driving tempo is extremely Balls To The Wall, but even through the haze of hellfog, Ophicvs’ voice eminates like an undead Bon Scott: It’s chock full of whiskey and phlegm. The synth presence is a lot stronger on the album than that of Ophicvs’ prior works, and, at this point, has made itself extremely known through both atmospheric whole notes and warbling solos. As much as El Tetraputas feels like the most core hard-rockin’ of the band’s five albums to date, at the same time it feels like their Turbo when it comes to infectious, 80’s synth work. They glow like the radiation of the apocalyptic setting, in contrast to the smell of burning gas emitter from the guitar and bass across the open wastelands of post-apocalyptic Ohio.
You can’t help but feel the sadistic grin beneath the gas mask of Ophicvs as his thumb hovers just over the nitrous trigger on “Capricorn Star.” The pace increase, coupled with the accented use of rawsettos, breakout dueling lead guitars, and an even more incorporated use of those synths into the highlight key solo begs for ultimate speed and destruction. Ophicvs hands you some serious hardware to clear out some more DeathBro zombies blocking the road ahead, and, if your heart beats in tune with that of the supercharged HEMI V8, those neon-colored four-sided long sleeves make for easy targets, indeed.
With the obstacles clear, your faithful demonic pilot finally presses that bright red button. That nitrous oxide that has been standing by in anticipation finally gets release into the fuel on “Sinister Hound.” The synths present a sinister danger to the landscape around the Dodge Challenger SRT® Hellcat, one that it speeds past driven by the same high-speed piston chugging riffs witnessed at the onset of the adventure. They open up more, as the pistons find further power in the shot of nitrous to their veins. You find yourself in awe at how well the shock absorbers on the Dodge Challenger SRT® Hellcat handle the rough terrain of the production, cushioning each weakness with shear power of will as it powers the axels across the dusty, radioactive hellscape of “Laser Bitch.” Urgency sets in as the leads give way to the gas-guzzling motörengine, but no fear is felt anymore. If you’ve made it this far, you’re in for the long haul, goddamnit. The adrenaline turns you on, you find yourself a slave to its spell:
She’s a formidable destructive machine
Ruthless cyberbitch, unholy fighter
Metallic angel forged with hatred
She’ll purge your soul and burn your heart
The album continues at a steady increasing pace across the energetic and frenzied “Laser Bitch” to the pounding pulse and warbled synth and conjoining guitar infectiousness of “Fire Spawned – Draco Maleficus,” and across the subtle infectiousness of “Electric Black Widow,” which incorporates a bit more of a stripped-down-to-earth Mercyful Fate approach to songwriting (particularly in the shuffle and the electrifying bridge).
As you and Ophicvus emerge from the hellscape of Cleveland, Ohio, a sense of fresh air is bestowed with the ragtime rock of “Rockin Goat N Roller,” it’s that same feeling you got upon seeing sunshine for the first time in years, It’s full of blues groove and rock ‘n’ roll spittle. Event he synths hit at a rapid staccato pace in tune with the pounding pistons of the supercharged HEMI V8 under the hood of the 2021 Dodge Challenger SRT® Hellcat.
The bonus track plays like an epilogue, with “Eternal Love” playing like 2069 Ophicvs driving his 2021 Dodge Challenger SRT® Hellcat off into the sunset (or with 2021 Ophicvs trying to get laid with a power ballad–both of which are respectable in their own right). No matter how it’s interpreted, El Tetraputas maintains the no-bullshit, all raw attitude that has been come to be expected from the Cleveland-by-way-of-Cali, Colombia fiend of evil, heavy, gritty rock ‘n’ roll. El Tetraputas may be Ophicvs’ Turbo, but it’s delivered on Ophicvs’ own terms: raw, black, evil, and full of piss ‘n’ vinegar rock ‘n’ roll. One for those who refuse to fall prey to the zombie hordes, one for those who cling to the heart of heavy metal that will continue to beat, even when the rest of the world has fallen asunder.