Hey, hi, hello!! It’s 2024! You’re here! You’re alive! There’s a world of new and exciting opportunities ahead of you! In front of us all! Let’s be even more excellent to ourselves and to one another!
HOLY HELL, WE ARE ON VACATION
“Wait, what? Who approved this,” bellowed the pain in the marbles supervisor of heavy metal, David Mustaine.
Hey, do you have any idea how much work goes into clacking on a keyboard about an endless avalanche of releases from bands that 90% of the population would likely sidestep quicker than an Arby’s foie gras French dip? A lot, let me tell you. So, yeah, we’re taking a vacation because we all have FAMILIES to feed and embarrass, and they deserve our undivided attention one week out of the entire year. Fret not, though: We’ll be backer than the Terminator next week with our annual hugely celebrated MOST ANTICIPATED RELEASES OF THE NEW YEAR series, so maybe just go ahead and jump up and down with uncontrollable joy for that this very instance. In the meantime, I have it on good authority this is how the writers behind LR plan to spend their week off:
- Captain: Curing brutal diseases, feeding the world’s hungry, and convincing Amy Smart she loves me.
- Zach: Playing as the duck in Duck Hunt and going door-to-door to ask strangers if they’ve heard the good word about Barry Gibb’s feathered chest hair.
- Andrew: Traveling all the way to Antarctica just to tell a penguin this joke: “When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin just so I can say the words ‘Your Honor, clearly my client isn’t a flight risk.’”
- Ryan: Flying to Chile on the wings of a dragon in hopes of spelunking in a verboten cave for the rarest of rare 1/1 Dismal Bonestroker demo.
- Morse: Eating the most organized meals one could ever hope to witness, then realizing the reason he couldn’t bag a single deer during hunting season in 2023 is rooted in the fact that he’s about to become a raging (emphasis on ‘raging’) vegetarian.
- Dan: Homeschooling all the neighborhood squirrels on the correct rankings of the full Autechre catalog AND recording it all for use in an upcoming field recordings release.
- Lone: Experimental surgery to lengthen his arms so he can hug even MORE people at any given time. (And so he can reach across the table to steal his children’s fries without burning energy by getting up.)
- Chris: Researching medical malpractice case studies to prep for the inevitable malfeasance lawsuit Lone will soon initiate after having his arms butchered. (And also hiding his wife’s Joni Mitchell collection…again.)
- Spencer: Finally taking a chainsaw to the thorny bramble located square on his chin and then becoming depressed upon learning he’s suddenly displaced a family of innocent dormice.
- Josh: We don’t know Josh very well yet, so I assume he will spend the week getting arrested for shirtless public intoxication down at the local Dave & Busters.
Have a great week, everybuddy! As mentioned above, be on the lookout for a three-part MOST ANTICIPATED RELEASES of the new year to run Monday / Wednesday / Friday next week. And apart from that, we’re all just looking forward to hearing what the wonderfully wild realm of the Heavy Heavies has in store for us all in 2024. We very much hope you will join us in that adventure.