Do you listen to heavy metal all day, every day? Do you find yourself needing to take a break from the aural pounding but you’re afraid of losing your metal cred?
Hi, Todd Edward Smith here* for El Creepo!, the amazing new product from Rotten Records designed especially to satisfy your need for dark and twisted music without the ear drum beating you get from the leading products!
Ordinary non-metal can be really messy! You never know what you’re going to get!
El Creepo! is manufactured by the same creative force that brought you such trusted names as Dog Fashion Disco, The Alter Boys and Polkadot Cadaver, so you know it’s a safe, reliable and easy way to enjoy intelligent, esoteric music with an ear toward the ironic and the macabre!
That means with El Creepo! you’ll feel right at home from the first note! You’ll instantly recognize the comfortably lurid vocals, irresistible harmonies and sardonic serial killer lyrical wit!
El Creepo! is ergonomically designed to work with your existing home CD player! Just pop it in and watch it spin! Then, with a simple touch of a button you’ll be enjoying the soothing sounds of El Creepo! in no time! It really is that easy!
Always on the go? El Creepo! is portable and convertible! Listen to it at home, on your mp3 player, or even in your car!
Here’s something you can’t do with your usual music: El CReepo! is safe enough to use without headphones around other people! It’s perfect for use at work and even around your significant other’s annoying and fickle friends! It’s just that amazing!
El Creepo!’s calming and sometimes romantic tones make it perfect for a date with the new person from the gym!
But I’m just getting started! Use it when your grandmother visits! Your feeble loved ones will enjoy the easy listening bossa nova beat of “Orange Peel Sunrise” as you snicker just a little inside knowing that El Creepo! is sneaking stories of sadism and murder right under their noses!
Are you looking to appease your snooty coffee shop indie friends? El Creepo! will appeal to their affinity for Iron and Wine with the airy acoustics and quiet charm of “Lazy Tiger!”
Wait! I’m not even close to done! Don’t let your significant other’s old school super patriot man’s man father get you down! Just give him a minute with the spaghetti western ode to quiet death by neuroticism, “Skeleton Horse,” and he’ll be slappin’ you on the back in no time!
Got a singles party coming up? Your retro-pop friends will surely get a charge out the psycho killer funkadelia of the title track! And, they’ll be running to the dance floor when you break out “Hot Little Temper,” a bouncy little pop-rocker that simultaneously channels the eighties through David Bowie and Men Without Hats!
El Creepo! can handle all of it! Even your love for heavy music! You get just the right amount of heavy beats, distorted guitar and my trademark fuzzed out vocal cadences at the end of “The Art of Bullfighting!” Want more? “Hitman” gives you all the film noir-drenched frenzied pseudo-punk you need to satisfy your yen for a brief return to Dog Fashion Disco’s Adultery! Yes, I’ve even included those annoying but comfortably familiar maniacal la la la’s!
There’s nothing you can’t do with El Creepo!
So, you get all six incredible tracks I’ve mentioned for such an amazingly low price it’s sure to trigger the face-palm reflex of even the most frugal music fan! I’m just that crazy about this incredible product!
But I’m still not done! Call now and I’ll throw in four more songs – that’s a total of ten tracks! – at no additional charge!** How can I possibly do this without losing my shirt? I’m convinced you’ll enjoy El Creepo! so much you’ll recommend it to all your friends!
But, wait! There’s more! The next 100 callers will also get the soft acoustic affront to religion “Bloody Mary,” complete with haunting cello accompaniment! That’s 11 incredible songs for one insanely low price!†
You could spend hundreds on separate CD’s to get the astonishing array of sounds offered on El Creepo! It’s the one easy listening album painted in wide dark strokes you don’t want to be without!
And, it pays for itself after just one listen!‡
El Creepo! will take care of all your non-metal music needs in one convenient package without damaging your hard earned heavy metal credentials! That’s not just my pledge, it’s my promise!^
*Not really.
**We’re not actually selling anything at Metal Review.
†Actually, everybody gets 11 songs. But not from us.
‡Seriously. Not really.
^Truthfully, I just think it’s a pretty rad album. I’m not promising anything.
