The best thing about heavy metal is the emphasis it places on bad storytelling, orchestras and weak assed keyboards, really. It’s why, out of all the various musical styles I might get involved with as a reviewer I choose to place my modest nitpicking abilities in this one. So, as you may well have expected, reviewing this record is nothing less than a pure delight. Eschewing old saws like heaviness, massive guitar and drum sounds, honest vocal performances and generally anything cool in favor of the very worst parts of euroblacksymphonic “metal”, this is fanfuckingtastic stuff.
I just can’t consider this heavy metal in almost any respect. It’s dandy, out of the closeted keys, thin – if well played – drums, baseless bass, insipid black metal vocals and, admittedly, killer guitar work. It’s 1/5th listenable. This record is what Emperor would have sounded like if they were fucking morons. Or, more accurately, it’s what Cradle of Filth does sound like without their sense of humor, heaviness and timing.
As stated, the guitarist kicks some ass, coming up with great chord work and riffing. The drummer can maul the kit as well. Too bad his production is plastic garbage can gutless. The rest of the band can play well enough, although their choices are more hilarious than inspiring. The bass player, I trust, had a nice holiday somewhere warm, because he may as well not have bothered showing up. The production is clean, but lightweight. There is no heavy in this metal. It’s tight, but weak.
But mainly it’s the decorations the band places on what might have been good compositions that just destroy this record. The spoken vocals are gut bustingly atrocious. The keys are like watching Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein catching butterflies when Frau Blucher plays the violin. More great laughs, but I really don’t think that was the point. It’s just a half baked mess – a little too fucking cute and clever for its own good.
Anyway, the bottom line is that this is a damn waste, more so because the core elements would make a pretty good record. It’s not as though this is a shit band. They are a good band that has shit ideas. From the compositional choices to the recording decisions, it’s confused and flaccid. If you REALLY want to enjoy it I suppose you can try to ignore the bullshit and concentrate on the guitar and the well written music hidden beneath all the bullshit. But why fucking bother? If you are the type of fan that doesn’t have to try then more power to you. You didn’t need a review for this shit anyway. Average HEAVY metal fans can find much, much better.
