Originally written by Juho Mikkonen
As the first day of the revelry finally culminated in Devin Townsend’s mesmerizing Ziltoid-spectacle, our quartet of first-string journalism was well on its way to reach objectionable levels of self-imposed intoxication. In a delirium-fueled omnipotence, the idea of swigging more beers than humanly possible–while watching Ghana’a stroll down their via dolorosa at the World Cup–seemed like a perfect choice for a post-carnival activity. Little did I know about the fact that this nonchalant boozing would eventually lead to these ensuing results, which I would now like to present you in the form of a ten-minute video.
You see, by our careless celebration we managed to summon a powerful dormant beast; something that would make our Tuska (“pain” in English) to live up to its name. That is to say that when I woke up the following morning and limped my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth, a nasty hangover bear-hugged me from behind and then bit me in the ass. Alas, this tragic incident set the theme for our eagerly-awaited Tuska Saturday, which was mainly spent trying to pick hairs off the dog’s back.
This is probably something that is very hard to understand for the majority of you, my beloved readers. A Finn normally wears his/her morning after like a crown, savors it like a Cuban cigar and wallows in its sweet misery as if it was the end of our very days. So, the phlegmatic habitus, slow-witted general appearance and sagging, droopy posture you’re about to witness are all presentations of our collective acetaldehyde superabundance and vitamin B12 deficiency.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot that there are also some interviews included in the piece. Finnish death metal tour de force, Survivors Zero, chime in to tell us about the ups and downs of a supergroup status, the eclectic and gallant gentlemen of FM2000 give us a lesson of a poppycock-cluttered discussion and, finally, the Tuska boss man, Jouni Markkanen, knocks some sense into our sorry asses by his short and professional explanation of how to organize an event of this vicinity. Enjoy and stay tuned for our final installment with interviews with Nile and the mighty Bloodbath…
Post scriptum: In reality, I didn’t disappear anywhere, as Markus suggests in his closing words. We were all just too juiced, when the gates closed, so our director had to film the epilogue later. Sometimes truth is more plastered than fiction…