Originally written by Ian Chainey
Doug Moore – deep breath: current editor at Invisible Oranges, frontman for Pyrrhon, former Last Rites writer, and, most importantly, awesome human forever – knows Encyclopedia Metallum. Sure, we all know EM, but Doug Moore knows it. He knows the ins and outs. He recognizes the backdoors and the secret, labyrinthine passageways to loot-filled catacomb rooms. If EM was a dungeon, he’s the rogue you’d hire to crawl it. Because, he knows how to sense the traps and treasure. He knows EM isn’t only a database, it’s an anthropological goldmine.
He labored, you eat the fruit: If you missed it, last week Doug ran down “The 100 Most Overused Metal Band Name Words,” a list he curated using the EM Band Name search function. The results are both expected and unexpected, providing an insightful overview of our genre, warts, farts, and all. Give it a glance and you’ll soon feel the itch to enter the EM event horizon. It’s a delightful super massive black hole of the Dali-designing-for-Kohler variety. One quest leads to two, to three, to a million. You’ll rack up serious miles. You’ll bounce around the planet like a global game of Pong or Carmen Sandiego with a Sacrofago back patch. You’ll suffer missing time. Light will become dark and vice versa. All of this to say the exercise is simply addicting, fueling the same rush as a slot machine shitting keep-playing coke bumps. What the heck am I going to get next? Finding that answer will nom nom nom it all.
Of course, the Band Name search is but one key on your chain. Our favorite, what’s currently dominating our tweets and pings, is the Lyrical Themes query. Granted, on the surface, it doesn’t exactly spark the same fire. Really, how many ways can a group say they scream bloodily regarding gore? Yet, the more you poke around, the more you refine your keywords, you discover a hidden poetry. It’s accidentally brilliant, a Horse_ebooks that’s legitimately unintentional. It can also be kinda poignant, saying so much in its haiku-length elegance. For instance, Metalsteel, Slovenian trad traders prepping a new LP, have their word predilections tagged thus:
History, Girls, Life.
Chuckling? There’s undeniable bathos present. Then, you unpack it and it’s just…so goddamn human. If you needed to explain your early 20s to inquisitive interstellar interloppers, you could do a lot worse. WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE? Creating something lasting, procreating, and figuring out ways to keep doing it. The three bullet points above are a hell of a lot succincter, though. Hemingway would need a blood transfusion to keep from passing out due to his all-hands-on-dick hard-on if he pecked that thing.
That said, for every inspiring, serendipitous alignment, there are feats of sheer ridiculousness. That’s why we’re here, to ape Dan Obstkrieg who found Lascaille’s Shroud. Their insane summation is a beaut:
Space operas, Science fiction, Aliens, Laser beams, Death, Sorrow.
It’s like Michael Bay decided to pitch you while he was parachuting down from LSD. (“This is Miiiiiiike. What are you doooooooooooing?” *makes transformer noises*) The last two themes, if read in the manner of a deflating beachball, are pure magic. PEW PEW PEWaaaaaaaaah. Yes, And… it with a friend for a few. Six words facilitate an entire improv workshop. Neat.
Actually, that’s the thing: Half the joy of doing these snipe hunts is the social aspect. Ain’t no fun unless other ‘heads can bang some. Be it a drinking game or an ice breaker, the Lyrical Themes Trek can provide quality social butter, but it’s only as good as the folks you’ve got on board. Let’s get you into the game, then. Here are three subject starting points to build up your roster of inadvertent sagacity and incongruous, anti-humor punchlines. Enjoy, Laughing, Hard.
EM is primarily an English speaking site covering the entire Earth’s scene, so there are a few examples of the non-fluent casting too wide a net. No burn intended, demons: This isn’t to poke fun at poor auxiliary language skills. Truly, me quito el sombrero to anyone who can speak anything besides than their native tongue. Nevertheless, the unintended gravitas is gravy.
Here’s what we mean: As with Metalsteel, the sharpness of an all-encompassing, basic term is a scythe through florid, purple prose, allowing poignancy to flow forth. Well, okay, that’s best case. Worst? Open mic night poetry slam profundity. Let’s sniff around for the latter.
Camembert – Own feelings
Better than layaway feelings.
Strange Feelings – Strange feelings
Don’t see the connection.
A+ – Life issues, feelings
Hoping it’s concerning back issues of Life. Dentist office metal.
Funerality – Chaos, Inflamed feelings
They make a cream for that.
Astaroth – Evil, Battles, Feelings
“I’m sorry, I had such a hard day at work smiting Christians, honey.”
Mudra – Aggressive feelings of human beings
Take that, furries.
Vision – Feelings, Egypt, Death, Life
Karl Sanders’s objective statement on his resume?
Caress – feelings, mental state, look at the surrondings
Life moves pretty fast.
Necktarium – Night feelings, Dreams
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.
Murder Intentions – Gore, Anger, Hate feelings, Adrenaline bursts
The world’s most dangerous three year old.
Remember that brief moment when every species was destined to front a metal band? The Dio-evolved Animalia mates tweaked boilerplate br00fality into an enjoyable mockery through woofs, squaks, and arfs. Not surprisingly, name-checking your best friend or fuzzy enemy achieves the same ends. Anything you say before and after is plain batty, neutered of any seriousness. Hey-o.
Choking on Entrails – Gore, Religion, Bears, Insanity
Werner Herzog’s career.
Hell’s Pigeons – Pigeons, Alcohol, Breakfast
Mike Tyson, the dark years.
A.M.Q.A. – Humour, Cats, Cartoons, Bowling, Demons
No snark, this band rules.
War-Tog – War, Dogs
Pitch: WWII with dogs. We’ll title it Inglourious IT’S BACON.
Virus – Dogs and Cars (1st album), Abstract, Thoughts
When we grow up, we put away childish things?
Dogs with Jobs – Inner Conflict, Crimes, Mental Attitude, Dogs
I’m a dog. I’m a fast goddamn dog.
Broken Bones and Shit – Horses
What are things left at the bottom of a glue rendering facility, Alex?
Storm of Hate – Sharks, Serial Killers
CSI: Seaworld.
Dobytcí Mor – Pigs, Cows, Mayhem
Well, yeah, if you’re trying to breed them, that’s the likely result. The porny version of Animal Farm proved that. Author? George Oralwell, natch.
Trick or Treat – Happiness, Joy, Donald Duck, Life Fantasies
Oh, a band having to go door to door after every apartment move. Gotcha.
We live. We die. We eat. We shit. Universality, right? Hard to mess up since we’ve all been doing it for millenniums, right? No. Wrong. So wrong. Akin to animals, a food mention moves a group from Bandcamp bookmark to high camp hilarity. It’s comparable to, say, an Instagram feed of sobering historical photos broken up with snaps of your sad-ass breakfast set ablaze by 1970s filters.
The Bearded Assholes – Mutilation, Getting High, Killing pizza boys
PSA: Don’t get high, order a pie, and read the Gingerbread Man in the interim.
Anchang – Love, Culture, Food, Masturbation
Never going to their dinner party.
Bacon Warriors – Food attacking humans
And here’s your next fanfic idea.
Nuquerna – Food, Pleasures in life, Trolls
’90s pencil toppers do it for us, too. Maybe you haven’t visited our sister site, Last Dam.
Cookie Mongoloid – Cookies
Somehow, one of the biggest bands listed.
Cirque de Carne – Meat, Circus
Couldn’t translate this one.
Köttbullar – Meat, Meatballs
It just doesn’t matter. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER.
Murder Cafe – Freedom, Tyranny, War, Destruction, Coffee
Things that happen if the office runs out of black magic. A middle manager’s night terror.
Danny Tanner – Death, Murder, Gore, Anti-Christian, Chicken
As long as he’s not anti-KFC. Cut it out.
Insaint – Coffee, Madness, Death, War, Hamsters
You’ve gotten better at SNORTING MERCURY (3).
Alright, we’ve mapped a few paths. Now, it’s your turn. Whatcha finding? (Hint: Goat, Snow, Weed.)
