Well, you’ve almost made it through another year. Another year of life, death, love, hate, labor, boredom, politics and all the good, the bad and the ugly that ends up stacked to the rafters in-between. Mother nature hates us, the deity of your choice is laughing at us, and we’re one year closer to 2063 and the hope of unveiling some sort of warp drive technology that will eventually deliver us into the cold hands of the Borg. All that’s left of 2017 is surviving the holidays, which, for many of us, means dealing with relatives, getting slaughtered by unending season’s greetings, and pretending we like giving more than we enjoying receiving. (Get your minds out of the gutter.)
In the spirit of giving, how about one more list from your ol’ pal, me. Grab yourself a mulled wine and some spiced nuts and meet me by the tree.
While you should consider yourself very lucky to receive any of these albums as gifts, I would imagine you would prefer not to get the titles of these songs as gifts this year. Or any year, for that matter.
35 Song Titles That Represent Things You’d Really Rather Not Receive As A Gift This Holiday Season:
35. Parental Guidance (Judas Priest)
• Every day you scream at me to turn the music low.
• “When was the last time you made a dental appointment? You’ll thank us when you’re old and still have all your teeth! And would it kill you to call your grandmother and tell her how you’re doing? She’s very proud of you, you know. And get an oil change in the car! Keep a polish on your resumé! Are you eating enough vegetables? Do you want my recipe for spring vegetable casserole?” ~ All wrapped up with an extremely tidy bow, because what if the neighbor’s saw you with an unkempt bow.
34. A Dead Man’s Robe (Sabbat)
• What’s this old shell casing in this pocket here? Oh…
• It’s a nice robe. And it’s certainly not the worst gift you could get. But did you have to tell me you peeled it off a dead guy before stuffing it into this box? What the hell did he die from, anyway? It wasn’t leprosy, was it? Please tell me it wasn’t leprosy. Have you seen the cover of that Death album?
33. Eyes of a Stranger (Queensrÿche)
• All alone now, except for these eyeballs.
• Eyeballs. You gave me the oily, bloody, jellied eyeballs of a complete stranger. Thanks? What the hell did you do with the rest of the body? Pretend I didn’t ask that question.
32. A Skull Full of Maggots (Cannibal Corpse)
• Muh ruh RUH! Guh ruh RUH! Ruh ruh RUH! SKULLFULLOFMAGGOTS
• Skulls are cool. Cheers for that. The maggots are a bit much, though. Am I supposed to put these in the garbage disposal? I guess I could fling them into the neighbor’s yard. Those assholes drive a PT Cruiser. Whose skull is this, anyway?
31. Ton of Bricks (Metal Church)
• Rip it up! Kick it out! Hard labor begins to flow!
• Oh! Just what I’ve always wanted! TWO THOUSAND POUNDS OF BRICKS. I suppose that means you’d like me to get cracking on that new patio. Maybe I’ll use these bricks to build a tomb and bury myself alive. Sweet, sweet, slooooow death.
30. Heart of a Lion (the Racer X version)
• The king of the jungle! Part of him, at least.
• Well, this is just disgusting. It’s a giant, gristly, veiny heart. I’m sorry, what? It’s a lion’s heart? Are you Donald Trump Jr.?
29. The Stench of Burning Death (Repulsion)
• Chemicals destroy the earth, and your holidays.
• My stocking smells like the inside of Shane MacGowan’s mouth. How thoughtful of you.
28. Bullshit Propaganda (E.N.T.)
• Who’s Absent? Is it YOU?
• Oh, you got me an in-depth pamphlet that pushes the theory that Obama created “the myth of global warming” to distract everyone from the fact that he’s actually a cylon. And what’s this section here? All aborted fetuses turn into angels of darkness that will battle against us once the communists deliver the End Days via nukes in late 2018? I think I’ll just go ahead and jump off the edge of our very flat earth.
27. Fool Like You (Ozzy)
• The ultimate sin: You.
• My present is you? You are my present? This is just terrific. The person who thinks I’m “acting like a child” because I still love Star Trek and want Iron Maiden action figures? THEY’RE NOT DOLLS.
26. Siberian Vacation (Wild Dogs)
• This is paradise! Pass the seal blubber, please.
• The Gulf of Ob. Two weeks in The Gulf of Ob. Says here that “Beluga whales occasionally migrate here.” Occasionally. So, not even whales like to go there, unless they have to. Well, I guess there’s a lot of oil there, so that’s exciting. Oh! And I have to go now! JANUARY IN SIBERIA.
25. The Snow in my Hand (My Dying Bride)
• I lifted my voice and wept out loud, “So this is my gift?”
• Well, it was snow in your hand. Now it’s just…water that’s made my stocking wet. You basically got me “the wetness” associated with my now damp stocking. I guess the good news is that it’ll dry out after a while and I’ll have absolutely nothing. You’re the greatest.
24. The Youth of Finn MacCool (DoomSword)
• RISE, great warrior! And get me another energy drink from the fridge.
• Why on earth would I want the youth of Finn MacCool? You realize these kids do literally nothing but sit around all day playing Wolfenstein II and roaring through 2lb jars of cheese balls, right? The entire house is going to be orange soon.
23. Regurgitated Guts (Death)
• Life as a corpse is what you fear. Life as a corpse who got regurgitated guts for Christmas.
• A heaping pile of stinking, filthy, loose, glistening, hot guts. Good LORD, how did you get all these into this stocking. Prithee, my love, whence were said guts regurgitated? NAY, answer me not.
22. Toilets (G-Anx)
• Don’t get married in a house where there is no toilet.
• Honey? Why is the room filled with toilets? I can’t… I can’t even see the goddamn carpet in here. Wait, these aren’t even new??
21. Puke (Tankard)
• “You know, vomit ain’t half bad.” ~ all dogs
• Ohhh, the cat got into my stocking!! Gross! This is a LOT of vomit for a cat. What? This isn’t from Mr. Snickers? Well, I guess you know my next question. I see… Craigslist is still a thing. Interesting. I’m going out to the yard for a while. Just put this into one of the toilets you got me.
20. Yellow Rain (Pretty Maids)
• This is just inappropriate. I am sorry.
• What’s the gift you give the man who already has everything? You know what, just use your imaginations on this one.
19. Ruinous Dump (Righteous Pigs)
• This royal throne of kings…
• I’d love to join the whole family this morning to open gifts, but the “pomegranate glazed salmon” that Aunt Mildred brought over last night has apparently delivered my true gift this year: a colon that’s been howling like a walrus with a puffer fish stuck in his gums since about 2am this morning.
18. You’re Fired (Excel)
• Grab two fists of paper clips and hit the goddamn road.
• Well honey, we had to cinch up the belts a couple more notches and cut out a few more luxuries, but we managed to make it through another year. Sure am gonna miss Game of Thrones, though. It’s the last season! Anyway, let’s see what ol’ Santa brought me for being so good this year. Huh. It looks like a note from old man Pinklebottom. Why on earth would Santa bring me a note from my bo… WHAT? KAAAAAHHHHHN!!!!
17. Suspicious Chunks (Ghoul)
• I’d give my left arm for another arm.
• What have we here? Hey! These chunks look familiar! Honey, did you cut off my arm in the middle of the night, carve it into pieces and stuff it into my stocking? Haha! You rascal, you! OH MY GOD, IT’S MY JERKIN’ ARM.
16. The Uninvited Guest (Mercyful Fate)
• Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three minutes.
• Honey, what’s the one thing I asked for this year? It was right after we watched the very special Christmas episode of The Good Wife. Remember? You asked me what I wanted and I said, and I quote, “Just please don’t invite your Uncle Albert over to the house this year.” Yes, I realize that you misunderstood the seriousness of that request, but now he’s parked in our living room…in his car. He’s drinking Listerine, honey.
15. Face of a Clown (Witch Cross)
• “I hate clowns” – literally everyone
• Because having a life-long recurring nightmare of being treed by a savage clown isn’t enough, now I have THE ACTUAL FACE OF A CLOWN in my stocking. We all float down here.
14. Old Viking Man (Glory Bell’s Band)
• Beserker? I hardly even know her!
• Well now, this is an old man. There’s a withered man in my stocking. What? What’s that you say, sir? You’re going to “blüt ëåglë mir in der yår∂?” Good luck running me down on those talons you call feet, Ragnar Bjallsagger. Is that gout??
13. Lousy Lady (Picture)
• A girl you can bring home to mom, if you hate your mom.
• Okay, so Tinder hasn’t really been working out so well. I’m willing to admit that. But did you have to bring me such a lousy lady, Santa? She pooped in the cat box, and now she’s snorting a pile of Ambien off a family photo I had on the mantle.
12. Manowar (Manowar)
• Oooh, Manowar! Born to charge $200 at the door!
• You know, I’m pretty sure I asked for Manowar thirty years ago. Joey, please stop trying to get my mother to bend over in front of you. And no, I do not plan on paying you $175 per hour for every hour you guys stick around past breakfast.
11. Slaughtered Corpse (Slaughter Lord)
• At least you don’t have to cut holes into the box.
• Yes, dear, I’m at least thankful that it’s properly slaughtered.
10. Corpses (Pavor)
• You know, one corpse was more than enough. One neatly slaughtered corpse. But this? This is a lot of corpses. Actually, anything more than one corpse is “a lot of corpses.” Did you actually kill all these people? Thank goodness you also got me a ton of bricks, because these guys are going to be resting under that new patio.
9. 10,000 Birds of Black Hot Fire (Eagle Twin)
• Ten thousand birds seems a bit excessive, wouldn’t you say? I SAID, TEN THOUSAND BIRDS SEEMS A BIT EXCESSIVE, WOULDN’T YOU SAY. I’M SORRY, THIS MANY BIRDS HAS A TENDENCY TO MAKE A HELL OF A LOT OF NOISE. PLUS, THERE’S THE WHOLE “OF BLACK FIRE” THING TO DEAL WITH. SO, YOU KNOW, THE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY ON FIRE RIGHT NOW. NO, I’M NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL. HONEY. HONEY, YOU HAVE A LITTLE SHIT IN YOUR HAIR. ACTUALLY, IT’S A LOT OF SHIT. FROM THE BIRDS. I SAID, YOU HAVE SHIT IN YO…Never mind.
8. Werewolf, Semen and Blood (Beherit)
• Ooo! My turn to open a present! Let’s see what we’ve got here OH GOOD LORD IT’S A FUCKING WEREWOLF!! HONEY! KIDS! RUN!! Wait a minute… Dude, what’s all over your fur? Have you been rolling around on the floor of the bus?
7. The Burning (Paradox)
• Hello, doc? I was just calling because I noticed that the soonest I can get in there is after the new year. Any… Any chance you could bump that up a few days? Like, maybe tomorrow? Yeah, it’s sort of an emergency. It’s the burning, doc. You know, the burning. I guess when Santa says he’s been around, he really means he’s been around.
6. Torture (Sadus)
• Oh, the entire Sex and the City series on Blu-ray with 20 added hours of director’s commentary. Great. I sure am glad I have all next week off. I think I’d rather get Dave Navarro’s face tattooed ONTO my face. Dear, why is there a tattoo gun in the bottom of my stocking…
5. Stabbed in the Back (Nasty Savage)
• Huh. Not seeing anything in this stocking. Maybe there’s something way down at the bottoGAHHH!!! I’ve been stabbed!! I’ve been stabbed in my back!! CHRIST, do you have any idea how much this actually hurts?! There’s so much blood. So much pain. I have to… I have to try and get to my phone… Call 911… Maybe if I reach it… Great Lord, this hurts. Why would… Why would Santa stab me in my back. Must… Must crawl… So cold. The pain is just… Everything is getting dark. Is… Is that my great grand pappy? Pappy Herbert? Is that you? Why are you on fire? What? Where am I going?
4. Crepitating Bowel Erosion (Carcass)
• Some people inherit color-blindness, others Phil Collin’s hairline. I guess you just can’t escape your genes. Thanks for the slowly collapsing entrails, Grampa Gene. The gift that keeps on seeping!
3. Pierced Genitalia (Carpathian Forest)
• Hey, it’s your body—do whatever you want with it. But other people’s pierced genitalia stuffed into your stocking? Do I… Do I hang these on the tree? Maybe this labia could be passed off as some sort of stylish nose ring. Why can’t I just get underwear.
2. I Will Sleep with the Dragon (Nehëmah)
• Well, this is just a note in my stocking! Let’s see what it says… Uh, just when the hell did I promise to do this? It is my handwriting, I’ll give you that. Interesting… Wait, did you get me to write this down that night at the bar when I did three car bombs in a row? And now I have to fulfill it on Christmas day? Wait, wait. You do mean “sleep” as in snooze, right? Honey, why does the dragon have bedroom eyes.
1. Nothing (Skepticism)