I don’t know a damned soul who drives a Scion, but I sure do know a lot of folks who’ve reaped the rewards of their completely bizarre heavy metal marketing scheme. Whatever the reason(s) behind their handshake with the Devil, we’re all obviously pleased some crafty headbanger sneakily masked their Show No Mercy shirt beneath a nice button-down and snuck into Toyota HQ in order to convince the suits that “Generation Y” consumers include the sort of individuals most likely to airbrush a wizard onto the side of a van. Which brings us to another addition of “Six Thoughts On…”
1) Is… Is Scion about to release a van with a selection of side-panel wizards in various stages of spellcrafting available as upgradeable options? Honestly, that’s pretty much the only way I can envision a pairing between this company and The Gates of Slumber. That or a scenario that involves Junior eventually getting his ass chewed by Mum for making her 2013 Scion xB’s interior smell like Otto’s jacket after “running errands” and cranking this beast. “Death March” to your room, young man. Death march to your doom. (My GOD, that opening cut is heavy.)
2) This shit is free, you hamhocks. 100% GUILT-FREE FREE. No shady Ruskie blog. Not even a “pay what you can” in sight to guilt the bejesus out of the skinflints way up in the cheap seats. And unlike what just dropped via Scion from the Meshugannah fellers, Stormcrow represents thirty full minutes of brand new material. Basically, unless Sofía Vergara magically happens to slink into the bar bathroom behind you to ask for a second opinion on the freckle that cropped up overnight on her left boob, you ain’t likely to get a better free offer this month.
3) Hey, [Snappy-haircutted Band X] that grew up stumbling through threadbare versions of Jawbox and Snapcase before deciding sludge is where it’s at: You’re grand, and we’re all pleased as a puppy with two peters that you’re throwing in your 2-cents, but you ain’t heavy like The Gates of Slumber is heavy. This right ‘chere is the sort of head-clouting HEAVY DOOM you can only get in a per-pound bag from some shady dealer on a corner in East Baltimore. Or… apparently Indianapolis. “Dragon Caravan” is heavier than a tank tread cutting a 180-roundabout directly on your face, and it’s a sound produced by only THREE DUDES. Three dudes who apparently sport Mammoth tusks. So, yeah, bust out the bigboy speakers.
4) The Gates of Slumber has always done slow really well. Case in point: Closing belter “Of that Which Can Never Be.” If Mt. McKinley were to ever jam a tune while slooooowly getting even more mountainly, this would be the ticket. That footage of Sasquatch slowly skanking through the woods? McCash’s brutal bass-line at 4:50 fueled that galumphing trot. But Stormcrow even manages to flash some speed! I bet the fellers get winded just thinking about running through that bit towards the close of “Driven Insane.” Speedy Slumber? What’s next, GoS running shoes? Run to the grave!
5) I really don’t think this band is missing a damned thing. I’ve heard a few folks complain they’re too slow (hit the bricks, speedfreaks; this ain’t no summer BBQ), and others have squawked about Karl’s howled-from-a-barstool voice, but everything sounds just as it’s intended, which essentially means “pretty & happy” can go piss up a rope. The band might be bending further away from outright fantasy themes, but this is still Conan metal, motherfuckers: Do your time on the Wheel of Pain; pork a witch in a tent before tossing her into the fire; get drunk and punch a camel in the face (while warbling “I ammmm the son of Hades”); DIE.
6) Welcome back to the circle, Iron Bob.
