Korpiklaani – Tales Along This Road Review

Heavy metal folkish polkas… Keep it… You would think as these tunes wafted out my speakers and the traditional instruments of my ancestors plucked the fibers of my heritage I might get all giddy and start speaking a fucking brogue and wearing a kilt or whatever the fuck. I didn’t. Heritage sucks ass. Ethnicity is for those without the self confidence to be who they fucking are TODAY. I hate ethnic music for ethnicity’s sake. I hate ethnicity for ethnicity’s sake. If you are a fucking Finnish hillbilly and you grew up with your hillbilly family playing hillbilly music and that’s all you know, whatever. Enjoy. But this is not that. This is a bunch of fucking modern day ethnofetishists and this is bullshit.

“Chris hates something?” Didn’t see it coming, right? “Fuck off and tell me about the record.” Fine. Ska tempo punk metal with crunchy, if too quiet guitars. Simple rhythms, a smattering of authentic flutes and lutes and whatever else. Blackish vocals with a ganged chorus. I can see a bunch of herring blowing snowheads drinking a lot of shitty beer to this stuff, definitely. And I am forced to admit that, for anyone not as tired of all the bullshit as I am this has to be infectious shit. Never boring, never flaccid. Energy out the glutes.

The production is pretty on the money, as well. It’s a quality recording, clear and with just enough room for the out of tune violins. Of course, the metallic aspect suffers for the cohesion, but people who can listen this are not going to care. As far as the compositions and musicianship, it’s polkatastic. If you can stomach this absurdity you will find nothing else not to recommend in this record. It’s sharp, catchy, professional and generally quality redneckery.

Bah. Bah-ttom line is that I can see the value of this stuff, but I can’t fucking stand it. If you like polkas and accordions and liederhosen and nine month twilights and herring, scoop this up. It’s cute as a fucking moose turd. If you don’t, join me in my festering and ever shrinking pit of elitist, anti conservative, anti heritage filth. You won’t be welcome, because I hate you too. But at least you will be understood.

Posted by Chris Sessions

I write for Last Rites, but in my mind it is spelled Lassed Writes because I am a dreamer.

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