TEN QUICK ODES TO MY GENERAL TERRIBLENESS:
• 2013 was a banner year for death metal, yet none of it made my top ten. I am a terrible human being for not allowing Vastum‘s excellent Patricidal Lust into the pack.
• Germany’s Wheel released a pearl of a sophomore album: Icarus. I am a terrible person for not acknowledging my unhealthy obsession with the album’s crowning title cut.
• Eight Bells released a wonderful slice of psych/prog metal, but ten other meanies bullied it on the playground while terrible ol’ me pretended not to notice. I am fired.
• I avoided steeping myself in too much “funereal” music in 2013. As a result, SubRosa‘s latest proved to be too big a pill. This will be rectified, but until then… the terriblelest.
• I loved the debut from Age of Taurus, but I am a terrible soul of tortured times. Look away, I am a monster.
• Not a single black metal album on my list. Cult of Fire and Wulkanaz came the closest, but terribleness apparently eclipsed grimness for me in 2013.
• Borrowed Time snuck in with one of 2013’s most pleasant surprises, but I was too busy being horribly terrible to bother giving them a spotlight. Why do I exist?
• 2013 was “The Year of the EP.” Sadly, gems from Gatekeeper, Ranger, Possession, and Immortal Bird were left out of my top 3. Turruble.
• Ian and I spent endless hours uncovering new albums, but we failed to keep a running list, so most have already winked out of memory… like a terrible candle in the wind.
• I gave the new Stratovarius a 9/10 and haven’t mentioned it again since. Still, it gave me an opportunity to make a terrible “Kool Moe Dee in a Hammerfall shirt” joke.
In my defense, we did collectively decide to pair down our individual lists to ten this time around. First world problems be damned, that shit is harder than calculating derivatives using the definition of a derivative. The derivative f-prime of x = OH GOD I FORGOT ABOUT VICTOR GRIFFIN’S IN-GRAVED.
Anyway, here’s my top ten of 2013. If none of your favorites are represented, you obviously have terrible taste in heavy metal and therefore join me in festering terribleness.
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10. Voivod – Target Earth
Target Earth: Target destroyed. Welcome back, Blacky. And welcome to the reactor, Chewy. Long may ye rrrëëëiiigggnnn.
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9. Argus – Beyond the Martyrs
Where the Hell was Beyond the Martyrs in our staff-collective list? I was hoarding it. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! Sharing’s for suckers! In truth, PA’s Argus should be raking in the sort of attention netted by bands such as Grand Magus or Twilight of the Gods, yet they persist as one of our most under-appreciated gems. It’s a crime, really, as everything about these dudes screams 24-karat: the unwaveringly epic & galloping rhythms, the mountains of melodic lead-play, the sharp lyrics, and vocals impassioned enough to crack the stoutest of metal foundations. Argus continue to transform metal into pure gold.
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8. In Solitude – Sister
I’d be hard-pressed to think of another album in recent years that’s brought me from the depths of “who gives a shit” to “holy shit” with more authority than In Solitude‘s superb Sister. Everything about the band’s formula prior to this record should have worked for me on paper, but for reasons I’ve already moaned unreasonably about to anyone with ears, the mark was always missed. As it turns out, all it took was a healthy infusion of dark wave to hook me. Thanks, Bauhaus. Merci, Joy Division. Gracias, Sisters of Mercy. Danke schön, Siouxsie. Good thinkin’, In Solitude.
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7. Satan – Life Sentence
In a realm where the use of “Satan” is more clichéd than Che Guevara in a Che t-shirt, Satan woosh into the picture and remind us that 1) sometimes a name is just a damn name, and 2) old dogs (forgive me, fellows) don’t really need to learn new tricks if they’re partly responsible for the root tricks themselves. Such is the clear case for Satan‘s glorious return to speedy, NWOBHM-styled metal, Life Sentence. Many of my peers will likely refer to the latest Gorguts as 2013’s top reunion album – and deservedly so – but my vote gets ticked next to the man downstairs.
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6. VHOL – VHOL
“It’s an unpredictable ball of bristling energy that encompasses a lifetime of influences from multiple angles, and it manages to deliver it all evenly enough across the board to make the end result sound altogether innovative.” ~ Me, mother-F’ers. The fact that VHOL‘s debut remains every bit as vital, vigorous and violent as the day it first violated my ears is true testament to its overall potency. IT’S THE MASTER OF V-ADJECTIVES. The good ones, at least. So if you still haven’t made the commitment, get off your vast asses and get with the vucking program.
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5. Zemial – Nykta
“If you like it weird, thrashy, Frost-y, psychedelic, galloping, raw and above all else, adventurous, you owe it to yourself to check out Nykta.” ~ Me, mother-F’ers. Did you listen? Did you? If you did, you exposed yourself to 2013’s premium example of progressive, psychedelic WTF’ery that arrogantly deuced directly atop strict genre tags. As much as I love Zemial‘s previous releases, Nykta represents the ideal culmination of the early works’ varied eccentricities. A magnificent lift into a dazzling metal nebula that never fully loses sight of metal’s principal rawness.
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4. Empyrium – Into the Pantheon
Here’s the thing – I’ve never really cared for live albums. In fact, I can recollect a total of five in my entire collection spanning 30+ years of complete music immersion. But this wondrous beauty is essential listening for any fan of woodsy neofolk shaded with a tinge of snowy metal. I’m blown away by the fact that this record represents the band’s first live show. The flow and overall proficiency flashed throughout these ten tunes (bridging bits from each of the band’s releases, plus two new cuts) is simply stunning. The only way you get a pass is if you commit to the DVD instead, which apparently includes a 100-minute documentary detailing the band’s history.
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3. Vaura – The Missing
Hi, I’m the arsehole who claimed Vaura isn’t actually a heavy metal band. Sure, we could spend hours hammering one another over genre semantics, but why bother when shut-up-shuttin’-up exists as such a clear alternative. Come, sit with me by the fire and let us immerse ourselves in the warm glow of The Missing’s shoegazing dark waviness. And the next time your patched-vest pal rolls his/her eyes over your spinning this thing for the 100th time, politely point out the fact that “Incomplete Burning” is clearly the best individual song of 2013.
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2. Magister Templi – Lucifer Leviathan Logos
Toss a rock in the world of heavy metal and it’ll hit 20 bands exhaustively pimping metaphysical/occult themes from an “old-school” angle. But 1) despite the easy target, Crowleyisms still fit like a gauntleted glove, and 2) what stacks of folks tag as “throw-back,” I simply refer to as, you know, “heavy metal” – the stuff that built the foundation and will never ever never ever die. Ever. That’s Norway’s Magister Templi in a gloriously raw nutshell. Lucifer Leviathan Logos stands as my clear cut winner for 2013’s best debut full-length.
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1. Atlantean Kodex – The White Goddess
Not since the release of Vast Oceans Lachrymose have we witnessed an album that more brutally taxed the ability of online thesauruses to return synonyms for “epic” and “sweeping” to bumbling metal scribes such as yours truly. Plus, the Atlantean Kodex crew really know how to go the extra mile in terms of value-added elements such as thought-provoking lyrics and ridiculously alluring artwork/packaging. If you need an escape from the toils of the modern age, it simply does not get any better than The White Goddess. Turn on, tune in, drop out.
TOP 3 EPs:
3. Bölzer – Aura
“Entranced by the Wolfshook,” indeed. The kindly folks over at Iron Bonehead Productions released an impressive stack of 2013’s sweetest under-the-radar gems, but Aura definitely took the cake.
2. Solstice – Death’s Crown is Victory
It took fifteen years of smoldering in the ‘smith’s forge, but England’s masters of hammering trad/doom have finally returned, and they want their goddamned crown back.
1. Anubis Gate – Sheep
Can’t. Stop. Listening.
