Originally written by Chris Redar
Noneuclid formed in 2004 and features members of Dark Fortress, Triptykon, and Obscura, amongst other acts. Originally hailing from Germany, the band now calls Bavaria home, which may be a part of Germany. I’m not a geographer. I’m also not the host of A&E’s Biography, so let’s talk about Metatheosis, the band’s second full-length.
In not committing to a particular style, Noneuclid has created a mess of an album. Not messy in the sense that it’s meandering or senseless, but rather the combinations of thrash, prog, goth and trad come together in a way that sounds generic and dull. This could easily be either A) playing in the background at your next D&D gathering without creating a distraction–or even a pause for anyone to ask what it is–or B) the background music to an 80’s movie featuring children experimenting with Satanic rituals, only to learn a valuable lesson about the dark arts and the healing power of love or Jesus or some shit.
The pedigree of the involved members would indicate at least a listenable product. What exactly makes this album so lifeless, when by all rights it should be at least interesting? Well, every track is too long. “Paranoid Alkaloid” opens the affair at seven-plus minutes with a strange Metallica / Monolith Deathcult mashup riff. That alone would be enough to send a normal ‘head running to the hills, but it gets worse.
Once Morean’s vocals kick in with a half-assed Tom Araya / Devin Townsend rendition, things go from snoozy to cheesy in a snap. Styles get changed up, but pacing rarely does. “Buried Forever” takes six long minutes to go nowhere with its technical-style double-bass sounding completely out of place underneath the acoustic strums that dominate the track. It’s not even a case of the band exploring; it’s like they were scared to cut even one idea. It would have been wise to trim some of the fat and streamline some of this material, because as it stands, it’s like taking the gristle runoff and pouring it over the meal.
Speaking of cheesy, these lyrics. This is some ninth grade poetry class shit right here. Tales of godlessness, robots taking over the earth, suicide (I guess?) and zombies abound. The argument could be made that lyrics don’t matter (it’s not an argument I’ll ever agree with), but they’re certainly not helping Noneuclid’s case.
Then there’s the “Into the Light” saga, spread out over three parts. Part three is pretty good… It’s also the shortest song on Metatheosis, which speaks volumes for the other stuff. Length was mentioned earlier, but it bears repeating: These songs are too damn long. Closing with a sixteen-minute song is bad enough, but closing with a directionless sixteen-minute song AND spending half of the track on a pointless fadeout (“None So Lucid”) is about as pointless and unforgivable as it gets.
In both style and execution, Noneuclid fall completely limp with Metatheosis. Its one saving grace–kitsch via sheer dorkiness–is squandered and shat upon by the sheer volume of undeveloped ideas crammed into every song, seemingly at random. Nonlistenedto.
