Originally written by Ramar Pittance
In the beginning, there was nothing. A swirling maelstrom of gases and light. Then there was Edguy. And Edguy rocked. Really, really, hard. All things sprung forth from Edguy…all things flow into Edguy, and inevitably, all things will eventually return to Edguy. Ashes to ashes, Edguy to Edguy.
Edguy is the reason Al Roker is so happy in the morning. Edguy is like an episode of Perfect Strangers – awesome and flawless. Edguy is like…My Two Dads, only without the creepy gay undercurrent. They put the POW! back into power metal. What does it mean? Only Edguy knows. Listening to Edguy will make your girlfriends boobs bigger, and your food will no longer taste of semen. Edguy has created an album that’s like looking into the face of God and having him say “you are my greatest creation, and I am real love.” Edguy is also like then rebeling against that very same God and being cast down from his realm and out of his light. It’s a fucking dichotomy, man! Edguy is like Family Matters, except Erkel is banging Laura. Hard and raw. If you ever wanted to hear a song called “Lavatory Love Machine” that begins with Xena yells and sounds like Don Henley, then Hellfire Club is your album. If you ever wanted to hear what a ten minute song sounded like coming from a band with a man who does toe-touches on his album cover – you need Hellfire Club. If you ever wanted a fail proof litmus test to prove whether or not you had good taste in music…..Hellfire Club. Edguy is like Voltron. Many parts combining to form the greatest aural experience known to man. Edguy is like giving your mother the finger because she tells you to move out of her basement and get a job. Edguy is like receiving a blowjob from a really hot transsexual. Edguy is like a really funny sketch on Mad TV. Edguy is like staring into the face of baby deer – then punching that bitch in the face. Because you’re metal, and that deer can’t hold you down. Edguy is like stuffing your face with the entire wedding cake of your enemy while he and his mate are taking their marital vows, then later, throwing that wedding cake up just to spite him even worse. Edguy is like laughing about a funny episode of Kids In The Hall while listening to your girlfriend complain about her period. Edguy is like taking a shit in your friend’s bathtub simply because it’s close to the toilet.
Remember Mr. Big? They call him Mr. Small now because Edguy beat him up.
Sorry we’ve taken so long to review this album, but here’s the thing – everyone who has listened to this album died from advance stages of awesomeness. It took two men (David of the Strong Light, and Drew of the Many Ships) to review this opus, these words speak not only for the glory of Edguy, but in commemoration of our fallen comrades. From now on, instead of using words like “good”, they will be replaced simply by “Edguy”, as Edguy is the essence of all that is grand. All other forms of music have been rendered obsolete, and will now be called…”the sounds that be not Edguy”. Trust us, as we are backed by Edguy. And Edguy peaked at #6 in Sweden. And Sweden is more metal than any of the reviewers and readers of this site. So go. Get Edguy. It’s Edguy as fuck.
Seriously. And although we were serious before, we’re really being serious now. Edguy is standard power metal. Only bad. It’s really lame and annoying. There are a lot of keyboards. A lot of dumb singing. “We Don’t Need A Hero” is a pretty sweet song, and that’s why it’s earned the score it has. And because they describe their music as “eunuch-vocals, two guitars, and an unbearable kick-in-the-ass-joy-of-life!”
