Celestiial – Desolate North Review

If I say heavy metal to you and you think of abstract and hollow soundscapes that drag on for ten minutes without getting anywhere, I think we may be unable to communicate at all. Yes, I know that there are a few metal bands who have used this technique from time to time, notably Godflesh and Neurosis. But they mainly played songs and used soundscapes to “spice up” their records. The key to the success of these things was in their unexpectedness. They fit what the bands were doing, but were a separate idea. They caught you on the edge of your seat waiting for the hammer to fall and when it didn’t you grinned and said to yourself “got me, fuckers”. It made the rest of the record somehow fuller and more satisfying.

Celestial is not giving you that at all. Instead they are boring you with nothing but soundscapes. Hollow, repetitive and ultimately pointless audio paintings, about as compelling as a Velvet Elvis without the black light. I don’t take drugs, I don’t wear corpse paint and I don’t have time to waste listening to mood music for shitty History Channel programs. Again, if I say heavy metal and this springs to mind you don’t fucking get it and will never get it.

Now, having said all that…if I were a LARP geek I might find this shit kind of…soothing…sometimes. If suicidal goth pricks ever want to relax in a rose petalled bath surrounded by scented candles and copies of their shitty poetry this might be just the thing. In other words I can hear…”value”… in this. Not for me – Jesus H Christ in my colon no. But maybe for someone. I just refuse to believe that someone reads MetalReview.com.

So the bottom line is that this ambient, moody piece of crap is only for those truly desperate to be outsiders. And maybe for someone shooting a better remake of King Kong or something. It’s not heavy metal, though, and it doesn’t even compare well to other soundscapers, movie sound trackers and acid droppers. Avoid.

Posted by Chris Sessions

I write for Last Rites, but in my mind it is spelled Lassed Writes because I am a dreamer.

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